Post Op: Night 2

Yesterday, during the day, Ford seemed to be improving! He was tolerating Pedialite by mouth and even got down 4oz of formula by evening time. Pain seemed manageable. We were discharged around 6:30pm on Saturday, August 17th.

We were home & working on getting Ford some pain meds down when everything flipped upside down again. He began vomiting (a lot and frequently). He was unable to keep anything down at all – including pain meds. I spoke to the neurosurgeon on call and she said if he couldn’t tolerate water to bring him right in. I gave him 1oz of water and he projectile vomited almost immediately.

We’ve been at Primary Children’s ER since this morning. He’s had labs, a new IV (after 3 failed attempts), and x-rays done. We don’t have any answers yet but one of the doctors believes his intestines might not be working properly which can happen after a big surgery. He will most likely be admitted for observation but we just don’t have any answers yet.

Watching the life drain from Ford (again) is heartbreaking. Not being able to comfort my baby or fix the problem is gut wrenching. I’ve never felt so helpless as I have during this experience.

**We also saw his incision for the first time today. It’s bigger than I had imagined.**

Post Op: Night 1

For all the worry I had about Ford’s surgery I never prepared myself for recovery and what that might entail.

We were taken to the recovery room to meet Ford as he woke from surgery. As the door opened, I could here a baby crying hard & loud. I knew right away is was my baby. It was my Ford. They asked me to swoop in and hold him. I was extremely overcome with emotion as I held my sweet baby; he was ghostly pale, crying from so much pain, stitches in a spot that once had hair, and he was vomiting so much. We stayed in recovery for about 45 minutes before being wheeled into the room we will stay for the next few days.

The hours to come were/are excruciating for me. To see my baby so pale. To see him projectile vomiting for hours on end. To see his limp body struggle to make sense of what is happening to him. And to see him convulse in pain, only to be able to hold his hand and tell him help is on the way. His oxygen levels continue to drop. We’ve had to change his pain medication plan 3 times to get his pain under control.

I was not prepared for this. Idk what I thought recovery would be like, but I never thought this. Praying his body is able to continue to fight and that this surgery works so that he doesn’t have to go through another.

The Eve of ETV Surgery

Anxiety is weird. Depression sucks. The combination can be unbearable.
My heart has literally not stopped racing since Monday. I break down & cry over the most trivial things. Yesterday I cried because Ford will lose a few curls when they shave his head for surgery… like get a grip Caitlin! I am in a constant state of panic. Will he be ok? Will he still be my perfect, happy baby? Will the surgery work?
The overwhelming anxiety tells me to create ALL the lists so I don’t forget anything. And makes me add the silliest things to my list. For instance, tonight I detailed my car because Ford needs a clean car to go to & from the hospital in. 🤦🏻‍♀️ And the gut wrenching depression manifests in my mind coming up with the most awful, worst case scenarios.
I’m not telling you this for pity. I’m telling you this because this is my reality and that’s ok. I am constantly told to be strong for my baby and guess what? I AM DAMN STRONG! But even the strongest of people have weak moments. Tomorrow is a big day for my baby and it’s ok for me to have big emotions. ❤️

Ford’s 1st Trimester

To give you a bit of a backstory, I went my entire life never expecting to have children.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE kids, but I just never really imagined myself being selfless enough to raise a child of my own.  Skip forward to meeting the most perfect man for me, my husband.  I had NEVER felt so secure, safe, and in love in my entire life.  With him, I knew I could accomplish anything – even becoming a mother.  🙂  Josh & I married in February 2017 and by October 2017, I was getting test after test done to figure out why we couldn’t conceive.  In November 2017, I was told that I would need IVF treatments in order to conceive.  Financially & emotionally, I just couldn’t bring myself to put us through that.  By December 2017 we had both come to terms with the fact that we just wouldn’t be parents.

Most of January 2018 I just felt off.  But I refused to put myself through the disappointment of peeing on yet another pregnancy test with a negative result.  But, for some reason, on January 22nd I decided to just take a test because I had been feeling so sick and I couldn’t figure out why.  Ya’ll know that story – it was positive and I was shocked, excited, and confused.

The first trimester was sooo uncomfortable.  I had ALL day morning sickness – like seriously, all freaking day.  My sense of smell was so intense that I could smell everything, which in turn made me nauseated or throw up.  Ginger Ale was my only friend. lol.  I love anything and everything salty but baby wasn’t havin’ it.  Baby craved fruit and sweets from day one.  I couldn’t get enough watermelon or cantaloupe and cookies or cake.  Such a strange craving for me.   Oh man was I tired; mid day naps became a must.  To say I wasn’t myself would be a huge understatement.  I went weeks, even months without socializing or seeing some of my best friends.  My favorite comment during the 1st trimester was “Pregnancy is weird”.

I kept hearing that the 2nd trimester I’d get this huge boost of energy and that most women stop having morning sickness.  Ya’ll, I was counting down the days! 😉